On self-editing & the Lori Vallow trial

Yesterday, I received my professionally edited pole freestyle video I had bought myself as a Christmas present. Since last October I’ve been filming myself freestyling almost every day in order to develop my style and improve my confidence. As it turns out, I’ve also been very selective about how I choose and edit my content for posting. I usually do it quickly and intuitively—if I don’t like my facial expression, a certain angle of my body, or just generally how a move looks or feels, I don’t include it in my video for instagram. I only choose the best sections, and as much as possible I make sure the music aligns exactly with the original video to maintain my natural musicality. For me, this way of editing helps me recognize and emphasize my strengths and develop my style in the ways that most immediately inspire me.

Seeing my professional video gave me the chance to see myself with new eyes. In this edit, different things about my movement stood out to me, some negative, some positive. The video is fast paced, with many clips, a mix of slow and real-time motion, showcasing a variety of moves and skills. In comparing this style to the way I edit my reels for instagram (admittedly none have not yet gone viral), I realized that I always try to get the longest clips I can in order to preserve my natural transitions and organic movement choices. My favorite moments are ones when I see myself embodying a specific character, mood, or moment in a way that immediately catches my attention the very first time I watch the clip.

Actually, I am an editor by profession. I edit books and longform text. Interestingly, I see now that my approach to editing my videos is similar to how I edit books—I prioritize hooking the audience, bringing the author’s voice to the forefront, and limiting edits to only the most necessary in order to maintain the integrity and purpose of the piece. An important difference though: in my professional editing, I don’t have a personal interest in how the subject matter is presented, as the author does. Instead I aim to leverage my fresh eyes and editorial experience to appeal to the reader. The women who edited my pole video had a similar goal: create a beautiful video that will show off the dancer’s skill and capture the audience’s attention. As for me, the dancer, it made me face how I felt about others seeing my movement in that new light, that “uncontrolled” light, at least, not controlled by me. But then again, who do “I” belong to, anyway? Do I belong to me (well yes), or do I belong to the world (as soon as I post them to my public account)? Do I belong to my loved ones (of course)? Do I belong to people of the present and future who I can influence, hopefully, for good (I hope so)?

Besides my slightly heightened self-importance and intense sense of responsibility, I’ve always had a tendency toward self-reflection. I become fascinated when I get a glimpse into someone else’s perception of my life, or a new angle on something about myself I hadn’t considered before. A bit self-absorbed, sure, but I’m also single and I live by myself. I also recognized how I learned to be a woman in a high-control, patriarchal religion shaped the way I think about and see myself.

So speaking of Mormonism, over the past week I’ve been closely following the Lori Vallow trial. Convicted in Idaho of killing her children, Lori is now in court in Arizona for conspiring to kill her late husband, Charles. Charles was shot by her brother Alex in Lori’s furniture-less living room, covered in mirrors and used by Lori as her dance studio, in the house Charles paid for but didn’t live in as he sought space from Lori and their contentious relationship.

Besides dancing in our living rooms, Lori and I really have little in common other than we both were born in Southern California and grew up Mormon, we’re both blonde, and maybe a little vain.

Lori’s life choices have alienated her friends and family and landed her multiple life sentences in prison. She now has little to lose by representing herself in trial. What she has to gain, though, is the spotlight and the opportunity to tell her side of the story, or in the very least, cast doubt on the prosecution. And what we see in this attempt is a LOT of self-editing.

Lori’s idea about herself and what happened does not easily align with the facts presented. We are learning so much about Lori’s intentions and motivations as we watch her question witnesses, make objections, and how and what she says to the judge. In the most gasp-worthy moment so far, Lori confronted the woman who went on a date with Charles the night before he was shot, and in her slithery, accusatory voice asked if all they did was talk about her. The woman told her not to flatter herself. A few days later, Lori asked one of her former friends about prophets becoming translated beings in the Bible. The prosecution objected for relevance, and the judge responded “as far as you are comparing yourself to biblical characters, I’ll allow it”—and she proceeded with confidence. Later, Lori felt the need to press her estranged brother about not remembering her green chili chicken enchiladas the night of their last encounter, when she told her brother she was a translated being and her brother told her she was wrong.

Isolated from the world in jail and prison, Lori has had years since her crimes to think about her story, her motivations, and her intentions. She has had limited access to the media and no communication with the majority of her family. She really doesn’t have any outside perspectives to counter her or challenge her. Every day forward, for the rest of her life, as time passes and her memories fade, the world will continue to shrink around her. I wonder if she’ll grasp even tighter onto her self-image, or maybe she’ll just detach and dissociate? Once her trials are over, the media will forget her. Her time in the sun will be done, forever. All she’ll have left will be the knowledge that she killed her own children and caused deep, lasting pain to the people that loved her. Will she still believe that she is a goddess, a leader, “Jesus’ favorite”? Her own self-image will be the last and the only thing she’ll have left.

I had a dream last weekend that I was in the Paris metro, desperately raking through my purse looking for my metro card. How does my individual identity slot into the collective? This is something I’ve struggled to understand since I left the Mormon church. Lori and I are asking ourselves similar questions. Who am I and why does that matter? What’s my purpose here? As for myself, I have a few ideas, but for now, my aim is to follow my intuition, take care of my well-being and allow myself the time to figure it out. In watching Lori, maybe I can learn something about the edge.

Fully stepping into and embodying my personal power is something I’ve wanted to learn how to do and something I think about every day. I can see that Lori is doing the best she can defending herself in court. In my story, though, I want to limit my self-edits and allow as many outgoing and ingoing connections as possible. And unlike Lori, I want to face the truth, whatever that turns out to be, and I want to turn toward it with my full self. Seeing Lori confront and question those she sees as her opposition, I’m learning that self-image is a balancing act. Too much self-editing can becoming limiting, it can cause your influence to fade and your opportunities for connection to wither. Sometimes, seeing yourself in a new way can be like a fertilizer and it can help you grow.

This week and likely into next, I’ll still be watching Lori. Meanwhile, you can find my fancy new video on my instagram account. :)